Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
