Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
