Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
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I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
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The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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