remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
