alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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