I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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