If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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