I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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