I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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