my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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