12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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