so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
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The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
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we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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