my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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