worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
