Can i not drive my cunt home
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
