good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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