Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
