I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
