drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You made out with two different species that night
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
