I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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