fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
