dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
