sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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