i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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