but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
