Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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