Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
