What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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