This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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