I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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