Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
