my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize