This is not my ceiling
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
