i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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