Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
