I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
