and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
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Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
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The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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