u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
