Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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