Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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