Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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