I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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