Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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