I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
