I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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