2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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