About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
