Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
