the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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