Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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