I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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