i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
