: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
