I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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