Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
