That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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